Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely
by Mitsukai Amatsu
Summary: What happens when the one person Heero cares for is suddenly killed in the midst of the final battle (slight A/U)? There's a hint of yaoi, but nothing terrible, and slight cursing.


  
Disclaimer: I don't own the G-boys (darn it!) and the song belongs to the Backstreet Boys.  
  
"Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely"  
  
**Show me the meaning of being lonely**  
  
Rain drenched everything in smeared gray and white hues, blending greens and browns together in an artist's nightmare, giving the countryside a surreal look. Misty stones stood at attention as though they guarded the entrance to the cemetery, the tombstones smudged into unrecognizable symbols, the words blurring into nothingness. Upon a small bluff which overlooked the sea, a fresh grave jumped out as it had been placed there on this very day, the tombstone rather small and seemingly unimportant but to the four of us, it meant the world for one of our own lay there, never to smile, never to laugh, never to pilot his Gundam again, and the entire world mourned at his loss.   
  
A small bundle of flowers adorned the grave, the brightness of the petals contrasting with the deep brown of the earth. Reds and yellows glowed in the cloudy atmosphere, the only bright point in the horizon and the only thing I allowed my eyes to focus on, for if I raised them to read the inscription on the cold, hard stone my world would fade away as it had when I heard the news: Duo had been killed in the final battle against Zechs, his Gundam failing from the numerous attacks from Space Tauruses.   
  
I stood at the very edge of the upturned earth, wishing with all my heart it were I laying there, cold and lifeless. It should have been me, dammit. I don't deserve to keep on living, I didn't deserve to make it out of the battle without a scratch on my body, and I can't keep on living without Duo. He was the only one who believed in me, knew that I was more than the 'perfect solider,' and that I could love and have that love returned tenfold.   
  
**So many words for the broken heart  
It's hard to see in this crimson love  
So hard to breathe**  
  
A sudden sharp pain forced me out of my reverie, breath exploding from my chest as my heart began to spasm uncontrollably, and this was not the first time this had happened. I had been experiencing this feeling, this horrible sensation ever since I first heard of the tragedy; I knew what it was but refused to say anything for the other pilots. From what little I had read in stolen medical books and in school, I knew this was a heart attack, but could not and would not give into it until I was ready.   
  
Water dripped into my eyes, into my mouth, plastered my hair to my skull until the ends hung in my eyes and I thought once more about where I was. I had to stop and ask myself why I even came here for I knew it would do much more harm than good, as long as I didn't see what was at my feet I could live with the delusion he was away on a mission or at another school temporary. Delusional thoughts were the only thing getting me through the day and more importantly the nights, for these were the times I more often than not I reached for the comfort of his arms, for the familiar smell of his body, and the way his hair, when unbound, wrapped around the both of us in a warm blanket.  
  
Another tremor wracked my slender frame, dropping me to one knee in the midst of the mud and water, and I clutched at my chest, gritting my teeth through the pain. In the distance I heard one of the pilots call my name frantically, but the cry fell on to deaf ears as I chose to ignore whoever it was. They couldn't understand what I was feeling, both emotionally and physically, and to be honest I'm not sure which hurt more. Mud climbed higher and higher along my thigh, chilling me to the bone and I welcomed the cold, cherishing the feeling for it was a small sign I was still alive. Unlike Duo. My face twisted into a cross between a grimace and a frown as I realized how close I was to him, my hands only inches away from the head of the grave. Unconsciously I reached for the stone marker, but stopped myself, clenching my hand into a fist so hard blood welled from my palm. The crimson liquid stained the already dark mud black, mixing with the water and I watched the tainted fluid run and swirl around the base of the tombstone.  
  
**Walk with me, and maybe  
Nights of light so soon become  
Wild and free I could feel the sun  
Your every wish will be done  
They tell me...**  
  
What was the point of even continuing on with my life without him? It held no meaning, no real purpose as my role as a Gundam pilot had come to a sudden and final close after we landed on Earth, amongst the cheering citizens and soldiers. In the middle of such celebration it wasn't all that hard to be lost in the crowd as I let the excited people carry me away until I reached my destination: the final resting place of our Gundams. Still entombed in the cockpit was my love's body and as I climbed the height of Deathscythe I wondered if the mecha knew it would never be flown again. Upon reaching the cockpit, I paused, steeling myself for what I knew I would find and setting my jaw, I yanked the door open listening to the gears hiss in protest.  
  
"Duo..."  
  
The pilot was held in place by the safety harness that seemed to have been his undoing; his chest appeared to be caved in slightly as if from a considerable amount of pressure had been forced upon the belt. Unsnapping the buckles I allowed his form to fall into my arms, where I sat on the hatch, cradling my Shinigami until the sky grew dusky and the other pilots found me. Whispers were shot back and forth between my friends and although I gave the impression of not caring if they talked about me while I was still there, I hung onto to every word that was uttered, and what they thought shocked me to the core; each of them thought they were to blame, but they were wrong, so very wrong...  
  
"Duo," I whispered to the soggy ground, blood still seeping into the dirt. "This is all my fault. I should have been the one; it should've been me. Goddammit! Why did it have to be you?!" Bitterness filled my mouth and with a start I realized I had begun to cry, for the first time that I can clearly recall, I cried. Tears mingled with the rainwater, turning the fresh substance into salty residue and they ran unchecked down my cheeks, dripping to the ground, staining the earth with my bitterness, my never-ending pain. Pain was something I had grown to live with, but not this type; I didn't know how to deal with anguish such as this. Yet another twinge of my broken heart sent both knees into the ground, where I kneeled, gasping for air, wanting nothing more than an end to what I called my life.  
  
**Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?  
Tell me why can't I be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart**  
  
"I can't do this without you. I've tried, you know I've tired, but there's nothing without you, just an empty void that nothing can fill, that no one in this world can ease or make disappear. You were the only thing keeping me alive, you know that? Each day I faced, I did it for you, to see you smile at me, for the slight chance to make you happy. There was nothing in the world that can compare to the feeling I got when I was the one to make you smile and now...there's nothing, just an empty, hollow shell of a human, the way I was when we first met. I've changed because of you, I've changed for you, Duo...and now that you're gone, I've got nothing to live for, nothing to keep me here."  
  
The attack was worsening with each passing minute; I couldn't withstand much more of this and a ray of hope filled my otherwise despairing mood.  
  
"Soon, Duo...and I'll be there with you, I promise."  
  
**Life goes on as it never ends  
Eyes of stone observe the trends  
They never say forever gaze  
Guilty roads to an endless love**  
  
A trio of voices invaded my private conversation; the other pilots were calling my name, trying to get me to come back to them, but I resisted the urge to return to life I had decided to leave behind. That was the past and the only road that stretched out before me was to Duo, and I knew deep within my heart he was there waiting for me.  
  
A hand grasped my shoulder harshly, fingers digging into the tender nerve endings. "Heero, get up, please. Let us take you home," the voice pleaded, cracking with hidden emotion.  
  
I shook the hand away with considerable difficulty. "Leave me alone, please. Don't you understand that he's calling to me? Duo needs me, Trowa, I have to go to him."  
  
His other hand grabbed my other shoulder and he hauled me to my feet. "Dammit, Heero. Listen to yourself! You're not making the slightest bit of sense. Duo is dead. He's...he's not coming back, not now, not tomorrow, not ever. And you can't let yourself die like this; there are people here that need you. We need you."  
  
A wry smile appeared on my face as I forced my head up, staring the Heavyarms pilot in the eye, ignoring wave after wave of pain that seared my nerves, almost forcing me to lean against Trowa for support. "No, you don't. You'll be fine without me, I can guarantee that."  
  
He shook his head in dismay, the large trademark bang soaked with water flinging droplets into the air. "Fine. Go ahead and die!"  
  
**There's no control  
Are you with me now?  
Your every wish will be done  
They tell me**  
  
Without the other boy's arm to hold me up, I collapsed to the ground, tears and rain mixing together, soaking my body until I shook with cold, but the temperature was the last thing on my mind as I stumbled to my feet, staggering toward the head of the tombstone. With a considerable amount of effort I climbed to my feet, concentrating so intently on moving my own body I was able to ignore the constant throbbing in my chest and I thought that to be a hidden blessing. Although I did keep one hand firmly clenched over my heart as if that simple gesture could stop my attack and I snorted at my own foolishness. But the pain wouldn't go away, no matter what I did, and I knew it wouldn't depart until I was with the one I loved once again. Taking small steps I crept across the earth, the mud inching its way into my shoes, soaking the hem of my dark pants.  
  
**Show me the meaning of being lonely  
Is this the feeling I need to walk with?  
Tell me why can't I be there where you are  
There's something missing in my heart**  
  
My heart finally decided to give up on me, and I fell onto both knees to the cold, damp ground, crying out as the pain at become to much for even me to bear. Tremor after tremor passed through me and I closed my eyes, praying for the end, wanting the end so badly I was willing to give up almost anything for a chance at peace, but it would not be that easy. Trying to think clearly through the pain, I doubled over, my forehead resting in the mud and rain, the earth clinging to my hair and knotting it with clumps of mud and other debris. Willing to give up anything to ease the pain, I prayed to whoever might be listening to me, whether it was heaven or hell, all I wanted was to end this nightmare. Raising my head from the ground, I tried to focus on the stone monument before me only to find everything was awash with a red haze, misting the sky, the earth, even my hands with a crimson tinge. Blinking didn't seem to help at all, neither did rubbing my eyes, and it was with this small sign I realized it was the end. I gave a grim, tight smile.   
  
**There's no where to run  
I have no place to go  
Surrender my heart, body, and soul  
How can it be you're asking me to feel  
The things you always show**  
  
I had one last goal and that was to make it to Duo's headstone, and once I began my small journey, it seemed next to impossible; it was like trying to crawl through water or thick syrup, but with each passing second, after I thought the task hopeless, not even worth the effort I was putting into it, everything suddenly become too easy, like I was flying through the air, skimming the ground. Opening my eyes, I saw my world had lost the red hue and everything was gleaming with an ethereal light, like heaven was shining upon me. Looking higher into the sky, I saw a small winged figure in the clouds, an irresistible smile hovering beneath shining violet eyes and my heart did a back flip in my chest. Finally I was home...  
  
**You are missing in my heart  
Tell me why I can't be there where you are**  
  
A scream rang out in the still muggy air, shattering quiet of the cemetery, followed by the pounding of three sets of footsteps as they hurried to the grave where a lone person lay, rain pounding unnoticed on the body, arms clutched around the base of the tombstone. Lank hair obscured the boy's face and with one hand the blonde haired pilot gingerly brushed it back, then gasped.  
  
"Guys," Quatre murmured. "Heero's...he's..." The Sandrock pilot choked on his words, tears pouring down his face. Trowa stepped forward, drawing the smaller boy against his chest, offering a small amount of comfort.  
  
"I should have stopped him," Trowa said gloomily. "I knew what he was going to do and I didn't do a damn thing to stop him."   
  
Rain pelting the soggy ground and dripping from the trees was the only noise to break the somber atmosphere for a long moment before Wu Fei spoke up, voice soft and serious.  
  
" I think Heero knew exactly what he was doing. He's not stupid and over the past year he's changed. For the first time he wasn't at the beginning of the line to knock himself off; he had a reason to live and without that person...then..."  
  
"You're right," Quatre sniffled, palming his tears away.  
  
Slowly the clouds broke apart, small rays a tentative sunlight shining through, painting the ground in a golden glow and lightening the heavy heart's of the other three boys who stood close together, drawing comfort from each other.  
  
Looking down from a lofty perch, two others smiled gently, knowing that with time everything would fall into place and their lives would continue on.  
  
  
  
Thanks for reading, and please R&R!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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